Mental Health Blog - 3rd October 2019

 Mental Health Blog - 3rd October

Well, one day after posting something positive I am depressed and my brain is obsessing. It's horrible and it hurts, I actually feel nauseous with a slight headache. I am half wondering if I should go down the gym and smash out some cardio or just put a blanket over my head. I think I am gonna opt for the blanket, cause blankets. Annoyingly it's come from the most petty of places. I dropped my phone and it has a 'tiny' scratch on the screen. It's fucking tiny and you can only see it in close inspection or the right light. 

Somehow that kicked off my brain burning when I went to bed last night. Running over a ton of aggravation about my current financial situation. "I just want one nice thing please that isn't damaged or old please." Then feeling like I am being so pathetic! Has frankly, left me feeling tearful, anxious and frustrated. 

And breathe.

Blah… I was about to write about how I need to get my act together and what I need to do. I think the best thing I can do, I lean into these emotions. If I bottle them up, I will have more days like this and hell no to that. 

The stupid part is I suspect tomorrow that I will wake up after some sleep and feel fine. But, that is the thing with mental illness. I never know when it is going to strike. It's like a bomb with a keyboard and bomb is activated by a random input. It could be a stubbed toe, someone random being rude to me, anything! And I find myself with an urge to burst into tears that will never come.  Then the next day, you could deal with a fountain of shit like it's the easiest thing in the world. 

Sadly, when I have days like today I always worry a bad one could take me. I will always work to make sure it doesn't. Because I know that the next day! I will smile, something awesome will happen and I will laugh. 

Also, I have a Man who I can turn to and say "I am not doing good today." And he says "okay, what do you need from me? I love you" 

Just writing that *Deep Breath*

If you are having a shit day. Please reach out to whoever you need. Sometimes just saying "I don't know what I want" is better than silence. 

Thank you for reading x