Mental Health Blog - 24th November 2019

 Mental Health Blog - 24th November

Shame 

(I guess I will start giving these things titles.)

I was having a chat earlier today/yesterday

- I work nights so my concept of when and where is out of whack! Anyway, I had a bit of a self-realisation of a major part of where my social anxiety comes from in relation to a panic attack I had very recently. I've always known it just hadn't articulated it aloud. 

I've always known my anxiety comes from shame and the shame that I could hypothetically suffer. Also explains why I struggle to accept help, gifts and acts of kindness if I don't feel like I've earned them. 

Basically, it's an upbringing thing and it's not a dig before anyone reads on. 

It comes from when we (my siblings and me) were kids we had it drummed into us to behave, say your pleases & thank you's. Be respectful, don't embarrass us/me and don't make any scene. If I embarrass the family, the child in me just screamed at the concept. I am actually uncomfortable and my sides hurt, ugh. To be clear, my parents never beat me. However, there were very clear at getting point across and the threat of fire and brimstone. I also understand why they did that and kids should be those things, plus they had their own pressures. However, with my nature of being a people pleaser and with a constant need to seek approval, it just lay the foundation for my anxiety and each instance of shame lay a brick until it created a prison. 

All have lead to when I am in a social situation where people are being super kind and I am being looked after. I am freaking the fuck out, I feel like I am gonna be sick right there, I am going to do something deeply embarrassing and I am going to offend someone. In a room full of people who are being nothing but kind. Luckily, I am able to get it into check very fast these days. Just sneaks up on me like a mother fucker. 

I will take one thing positive from my experience with shame. It's made me a very open person. I will talk to anyone about anything, because shame about silly things like sex, our bodies and farting are frankly stupid. We've all shit ourselves once and that's life. Don't make them feel stupid and shame. 

As always people seek help if you need it! Take care of yourselves xx

#mentalhealth #anxiety #mind