Mental Health Blog - 1st October 2019

Mental Health Blog - 1st October

I wonder if I should give these titles, like a column… I will think about that. Anywho, I was thinking I need to write these when I am not in some existential state. Cause when I look back I don't wanna just read the negative. I want to go there is some brightness and light. Unfortunately, I think my mind is still geared to look at the negatives. I am sure at this point is just a defence mechanism. 'if you are happy, something or someone is gonna fuck with that'. So much so that when I am having a great day, I won't pick up the phone or check the post. So even on my good days, there is anxiety in that. 

I know I've got so much better and I do hold on to that… I think that thinking has been causing rot to appear in my relationship with Russ. I have put up little safeguards in my head to protect myself and as time has gone on. Those safeguards have become firewalls and I have slowly over time shut him out. I didn't realise how heavily I have been shielding myself till very recently, with the help from my counsellor. 

Which has lead me and Russ to really reconnect and it's awesome… It's like someone swung open the curtains and opened the window. We are back to being our annoying selves - insufferable. 

However, we are about to have a week apart as I am off to Cornwall. I am going to miss him and really gonna feel it. Oddly I am pleased about that. As I have been kinda numb for a long time. 

Not numb, frustrated? It's like I’m the audience going "why did you let that happen'', ''Oh, come on" and "Really!?"... Maddening. A bit of after the event disassociation. 

You've gotta look inwards and try to find the right question. As you will just end up with 42… It might be an answer. Just ultimately useless.

As before if you need help, please ask for it! Never suffer alone x

#anxiety #depression #goodday #dontsufferinsilence