Mental Health Blog 14th December 2019

 Mental Health Blog 14th December 2019

Straws that break the camel's back

I crashed yesterday hard! My other half being drunk and his utter devastation at the election results. Something he said got my mind running and made me come to some acceptance of truths I haven't wanted to accept. The sad fact that members of my family aren't going to be there for me and haven't been for a very long time. I got to thinking what if I broke up with my partner, what would be my options. I could very easily be homeless or living in a poor situation. This coupled with a very recent attack on myself worth. I just snapped!

I did the rather dramatic thing of going downstairs into the living room and I just sobbed in the dark. Once I started to pull my shit together and I just wrote what I was thinking. Cried some more, it was all super pretty. However, this is where I am proud of myself! I messaged my work and told them I wasn't going to come in the next day. So I could allow myself to just get it out of my system. Went to sleep the best I could and when I woke up. I made it clear to Russ I am not good (the best I could in the numb state I was in) and I will talk when I am ready. Gotta admit I couldn't move for hours… Russ was amazing he checked on me. He knew I needed to process and eventually, I realised I didn't need to speak and let him read what I wrote when I was at my darkest. I hugged him as he read it, like I was a scared child. Then he made me feel safe and that's why I love him. 

Then after a coffee and call from a sibling as they just so happened to have rung when I was in my duvet cave of despair. So I rang her when back when I was willing to use complete sentences. That was a lovely call! Had a lovely bath! Put all news sources on a 30 day snooze' on Facebook and my lovely man made me dinner. Then went to bed to Netflix with half a ton of chocolate. 

I still feel raw! That's fine! I took a duvet day… I honestly think if I had played through the pain I would have done something stupid. This was a brush with the darkest of my thoughts. I am not going to deny that. I am getting stronger! 

So today I am getting my arse down the gym. I am going back to work. Not today Satan! 

Again thank you for reading! If you need help, please seek it out x