Mental health blog 07/09/20

 Mental health blog 07/09/20

I am bloody worn out and manic at the same time, it's exhausting. Let me put this into some context - we are all under this feeling in the UK that we can start socialising cause the numbers are low. So after not seeing anyone, I am now seeing everyone (safely as I can) and that is amazing cause god knows I missed them. The downside of this is my social battery is nuked! I very nearly had a panic attack on the way to see one of my old friends. The only way to describe it was like going into a job that my subconscious mind didn't want any part of it and my conscious mind was excited to see my friend. Actually, that might explain why I am having such vivid nightmares at the moment. I am at war with myself a bit. My anxiety is having a paddy cause it is not in the driving seat, lockdown has given it the false impression he's the boss. So it's putting on the horror picture show at night (real mature subconscious little bitch). It could be that and I am coming to that conclusion as I am writing this out. But, it sure does make sense.

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(And breathe) 

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Another point that has been kicking with off is this feeling I have to justify EVERYTHING! Justify my Instagram, my tan, my fitness, my actions, and if I get anything nice. We have developed this false culture that if you aren't succeeding from a monetary standpoint, you are a complete failure "No you! You aren't working hard enough to earn money! You've made sacrifices for others - I hear you say! You FUCKING loser! Money is all that counts, cause you can count it!... You LOSER!" (And that ladies and gentlemen this how we got Trump) *sigh* FUCK THAT! I have put my life on hold to protect the ones I care about. I do deserve my new shiny Gaming laptop and anyone wants to judge me for my Insta posts. Enjoy this picture of me in my bath feeling my oats.